One of the things I’ve found important in my peace and mental health is who I surround myself with, and who I classify as a friend. As I’m sure a lot of you know, the people around us are either being influencedby us or they’reinfluencingus. I was told growing up, “show me your friends and I’ll show you your future”. While there are studies supporting this, I feel like that is often translated into “don’t surround yourself with people who aren’t as “good” or “on the same level” as you.” I’ve kept it in the back of my mind to make me cautious on who I keep CLOSE to me, and who I share the private parts of my life with, but I always wanted to be the person who can get along and connect with everyone. There is power in social influence, and Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler conducted a study at Harvard to see just how powerful. As they were examining data from the Framingham Heart Study, one the longest running health studies ever, they found some very interesting information. They found that not only are we influenced by our friends, but also friends of our friend's, and even friends of our friend’s friend’s! For example, they found if a friend of yours is obese you’re 45% more likely to gain weight over the next 2-4 years. What’s crazy is if a friend of your friend becomes obese, your likelihood of gaining weight increases by 20% even if you don’t know that friend. The same effect continues one more person out. If a friend of the friend your friend becomes obese, you are 10% more likely to gain weight as well. Keeping things like this in mind, it appears we should avoid most people all together. I’ve gone through seasons of my life where I’ve felt this way and adopted this attitude. However, my religion requires me to live in the world without becoming part of it; to be a light, and demonstrate human relationships and unconditional love for my peers. And whether you’re religious or not I believe the same concept applies. It may sound cliché but we all have a light in us, and it is only visible when we’re being true to ourselves. If we are caught up in delusion and thinking that the world revolves around us, and everything we think is truth, and everything we say is important, then we did our own light. I believe if we are focused on ourselves, our own improvement, and our own peace then we can live amongst others and be of help to them without developing destructive habits and behaviors. Now, this DOES NOT mean that we should stay in hurtful or abusive relationships because we can influence others and make them better. It’s very important to see the difference between someone who is lost, hurt, or trying to change bad habits as opposed to someone who is downright abusive and taking advantage of what it is you’re offering. This can go for relationships, friendships, work relationships, etc. If you feel you cannot be your best self or your true self in the presence of someone else, then yes it probably is time to remove that person from your life.
The way I navigate my relationships is I have what most people would refer to as my “inner circle”. This is my girlfriend and the closest 4 people in my life that I feel know and understand me better than anyone else, and they have my best interests in mind. Your inner circle should NOT be big. It should be a select group (or even one person) who you feel have enough information about you and your life circumstances to offer advice to you. Then I have what I would refer to as a “friend”. These are teammates, classmates, or people I’ve come across in life that I really like and respect. However, we aren’t close enough to know each other’s life circumstances and daily problems all the time, and they likely have their own separate inner circle that I may or may not be a part of. Then I have acquaintances. People who I only come across occasionally, and it’s always love when I see them, but these are people that are only good for you in moderation. Perhaps you purposely distance yourself from them because they’re “toxic” or you are in different places in life. In my life, I NEVER go to acquaintances for life advice or comfort when I’m down. That’s not what their place in my life is for. I may ask a friend for advice if I feel it’s relevant to them or they have specific information I feel can help me, and friends can make you feel better as well. My inner circle is who I go to FIRST for advice, and I take what they say into consideration very seriously. They also don’t pat me on the back. If I am off track, messing around, and doing the wrong things the people closest to me are going to point that out to me first, and I’m grateful for that. I encourage you today to reexamine your life and the people you keep close and involved with you. Are they helping you or draining you? Do they encourage you or are they envious? Do they love you or do they love what you do for them? Are your goals similar or different? Perhaps you need to keep your distance from some people, or maybe you need to bring some people closer. Either way I think the most important thing is remember the power of social influence and LOVE EVERYONE. From me to you Deontrey
1 Comment
As I continue to write these posts, one term you will hear me repeat over and over is body-budget. Lisa Feldman, professor of psychology at Northeastern University, coined the term body-budget and defined it as, “how your brain budgets the energy in your body to keep you alive and well”. The brain attempts to predict the bodies needs and tries to meet them before the need even arises. Therefore, it’s important to view your mind and body as one. Our moods are merely a reflection of our body budget. If our mood is low, more than likely our body budget is out of balance. Our mood also effects our emotions, because our mood is the general sense of how we’re feeling that day. So, our mood is low, and our body budget is out of balance, our brain is likely to issue emotional reactions that are unnecessary or destructive to the people around us. For example, if someone hasn’t slept or ate for the past 16 hours, they are likely to be in a very “irritable” mood, but regardless of how they act to people around them it isn’t the result of anything anyone else has done. Their body budget is merely out of whack. One of the main building blocks for my body budget, my focus, and ultimately my success is making sure I stay in the weight room, limit processed foods, do yoga, and get at least 6 hours of sleep. The weight room is my main priority. I look at it like, “I can’t help anyone with their life if I’m not even putting effort into building and improving myself”. It’s not the only way to look at it, but I feel that innately, and it works as eustress so I try to feel it fully and use it as motivation. I usually life Monday through Friday, and sometimes Saturday. Being in the weight room 5 times a week gives me something to accomplish each day. I’m the type of person who must go first thing in the morning It sets the tone for the day, my endorphins are in full effect, and I feel as if I have an edge. I love when my muscles are pumped and I love the feeling of waking up sore the next day. Another reason I love the morning lifts is because If I underachieve on a test or have a stressful day at work, I can look back on the day and know at least I did something positive for myself. Along with lifting I’ve also got back to doing yoga three times a week, because since I’ve stopped playing basketball I’ve still found it important to stay limber and flexible. I did yoga three times a week one summer and I felt a big difference in my overall health and wellness. I love it also because it can really be a beast sometimes. I’ll take plenty of classes that I find more physically challenging than lifting. There are poses where you sink deep into tension for long periods of time, and it forces you to breathe through it and experience it fully. Its intense and I’m dripping when I’m done, but I feel the perfect balanced of relaxed and exhausted. Basketball had me so busy and focused on workouts for years, and I realized I need to put fitness as one of the main foundations of my life for me to be my best. The hour and a half lift wasn’t fulfilling me enough because I’m used to a heavier physical workload, and I didn’t want to fall out of that habit, so I had to come back to yoga. I don’t think it matters too much what exercises or activates we take part in, if we get up and move our bodies every day. Even a 30, 20, or even 10-minute walk will do wonders for your body. This is the definition of self-love.
From me to you Deontrey My favorite part of the day for as long as I can remember has been the morning. I love being the first one up when it's still quiet and the world hasn't woke up yet. Some seasons in my life I'll wake up at 4 am, some 5 am, some 6 am, and if I'm really tired I'll sleep until about 7:15 am. I know a lot of people feel similar to me when I say my mornings are sacred. It’s sometimes the only 1 on 1 time I get with God, and it gets me mentally ready for the day. The first thing I do when I wake up is come into my body. I feel like the first thing 99% of people do (not a real statistic) is check their phones, or instantly get up and get ready for their day. I try to set my alarm clock 10 minutes earlier just so can have time to lay there, allow my body to wake up naturally, and really get a sense of how I’m feeling. Am I stressed? Anxious? Happy? Not judging how am feeling, but simply acknowledging. Once I take that time I like to get the gym out of the way. Beginning the day with a hard workout has been routine since about 7th grade (I owe that to Kobe Bryant). The first thing I do when I come back is take a quick shower and sit for 10-15 minutes and breath. Simply watching the river of my thoughts flow, once I’m aware of them they no longer have control over my mind or my mood. Then after that time I make myself breakfast. Breakfast has been the same down to the ounce since September of 2019. 8 oz. of egg whites, 2 whole eggs, spinach, bell pepper, 50 grams of oatmeal, 5 oz. of blueberries, a tbsp. of honey, and I take a magnesium and fish oil tablet as well. So, by the time I head to class I've worked out, done a devotional, meditated, and cooked a healthy breakfast that will fuel the rest of my day. I’ve found it to be so much better for my life rather than rolling out of bed and going straight to class just to get that extra hour or two of sleep. I’ve also had to be careful not to identify too much with the morning schedule. By this I mean I’ve gone through seasons in my life where if I don’t get to do my morning schedule in the exact order at the exact time I planned on it then I would trash the whole day. I would have to “start over tomorrow”. I’m aware now that life happens, and I won’t be able to that exact routine EVERY day. I’ve learned to not be so hard on myself. However, the one concrete part of my morning is coming into my body right when I wake up. I must be in touch with how I’m feeling to be able to better interact and understand other people throughout the day. What’s your morning routines? I’d love to hear them
From me to you with love, Deontrey One of the best ways I’ve found to keep myself grounded and sane throughout the whirlwind of being a full-time student and employee is mediating. This topic is difficult for me to write about, because meditation isn’t something to be promoted. I feel writing about it is hypocritical of the practice itself. In contemporary society meditation and “mindfulness” is the hot new fad that’s taking over. Everyone is trying to be more mindful and present, and they’ve found the results to be life changing. I don’t see this as a negative, but I feel as if it defeats the purpose of the practice itself. Meditation isn’t a cure for anything and it doesn’t change the circumstances of your life. Meditation is simply being and experiencing the present moment without judgment. It’s being fully aware of now, and accepting things the way they are. We are so quick to judge every thought, feeling, or emotion as “good” or “bad”. However, in my personal experience, the most freedom and inner peace I have felt is when I’m not caught up in any other ideals of what the situation SHOULD be or how I SHOULD feel. That’s living in the past, the future, or some fantasy world controlled by our vicious thought cycles. Some people live their whole lives this way, and it results in chasing things in life they believe will make them happy, when reality we already possess everything we need to be happy right now. I encourage you occasionally, if you remember, to take a breath and see how it is you’re truly feeling. Do you wish you were somewhere else? Feeling something else? What would it take for you to happy right now? I’ve personally found questions like these helpful when I need to come back to my body. I believe all our practices are unique, and there is no right or wrong way to meditate. As I said, it isn’t something to be promoted and there is nothing to be obtained, however, feel free to reach out if there are any questions on how to “get started”. I know that can be difficult. Also, as I say, I think we can always use each other to grow.
From me to you with love, Deontrey I just want to start off by emphasizing...I am NO expert! I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t like to pretend or portray that I do. I’ve been extremely blessed in my journey thus far, but I want us to be able to learn from each other’s success and failures. I am a 22-year-old undergraduate student from Northern California going to school in Dallas, Texas. When I graduate in May of this year I will begin graduate school in Counseling Psychology. Like many of you reading right now and those who came before me, I’m moving along the frontier, claiming unexplored territory in my family. I certainly never felt like the smartest in the room in school growing up. I always thought that intelligence was an inherent trait that you either possessed since birth or not at all. However being in a university setting I learned how much I love learning! I love knowledge, and I want to know as much about everything as possible I’m sure this is where my love for books stems from. Neither one of my parents have any education past a high school diploma or GED, but it was always MY plan to go to college. I knew I wanted to play basketball and study psychology in a big city, those were my two goals. I was never highly recruited, but I emailed every college in the country 4 times over with an email begging for a chance, and by the grace of God I heard back from a school in Dallas with a great psychology program that could offer me a little help with tuition. Even when the opportunity of a lifetime fell in my lap I was hesitant to act on it out of fear. As soon as I got to Dallas, I got a job that worked with my school and basketball schedule as much as possible so I could afford bills. I didn’t have a car so I was bumming rides and Ubering everywhere (shoutout to MadeinTYO). So, my days looked like: wake up at 6 am and run to the gym to lift, Uber to class from 8 am-2pm, Uber to work from 2:30-7 pm, Uber back to the school for practice from 7-9 pm, and ride home with a teammate by 9:30 for homework. I rarely had disposable income, I felt like I was drowning in life, and it felt like it was impossible and never-ending struggle. One day I was sitting in a park meditating, reflecting, and honestly probably feeling a little bad for myself when I realized something. Everything I was doing was EXACTLY what I asked for in life. If someone would have asked me a year prior if I would take my current schedule if it meant I got to play basketball and study psychology I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat. It gave me a sense of resilience and humbleness that I’ve embraced ever since. As I said I’m no expert, but I graduate with a B.S in psychology in May, and will attend graduate school in July. I would love to hear other testimonies. I like to hear about the struggle, the progress, and chasing your dreams As I said I hope we can learn from each other, and help each other grow. Always feel free to reach out.
From me to you with love, Deontrey |
Author:
|